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im_just_an_MnM
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Name: Courtney
Birthday: 11/15/1986
Interests: the scene team.
being completely scene.
vlad.
kicking your ass.
ocnj
summer2005.
sluts.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/23/2004
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| so i finally got my computer set up here at school after a week of nto having one.
anyways.. love it here. | | |
| so i would like to think of myself as the worlds biggest bitch, ever. but hey what can ya do?
here's why.
a very, nice, boy who uhm i happen to not like, nor be attracted to at
all, and who i find completely repulsive on way too many levels has
liked me for awhile and presented me with a dozen red roses yesterday
for my last day of work with him.. and it was very sweet and kind and
thoughtful.. and i accepted them as nicely as possibly but in no way
did i want them or wanted him to give them to me and i felt like shit
and pretty much wanted to throw them away. hmm.. yea pretty bitchy.
that and i'm also 100% shallow. but thast okay because at the same time
this is happening...
charley comes walking in to visit me on my last night. and this makes
me happy.. you know, that asshole who screwed me over the past few
weeks? yea, seeing him made me happy.. i dunno whats wrong with me. but
whatever. so charley ended up staying for almost two hours last night
on my 3rd shift which made me very happy. and sad too. but good.
blah. so i ended up just giving half of the roses away to my co-workers
because really uhm. what do i want with them? god, i am so going to
hell! 
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| gah. let's see.
what i really leanred these past few weeks is this: you can always give
someone the benefit of the doubt but you dont owe anyone your trust.
(thank you to my wawa mommy). basically, ive learned that i easily give
in to people and trust myself around people and what i say when really,
i shouldnt so easily go out and trust people. i can always hope that i
can in return have their trust but never, ever expect to get it.
i pretty much just got screwed over these past few weeks and its taken
me awhile to adjust and get over it but i think with school on the way,
i finally leave this tuesday, things will look up. i've been completely
miserable the past few weeks and im at the point where im kinda sick of
just feeling sorry for myself. in the end, what i really liked about
charley turns out he isnt really who i thought he was. and i understand
that at the time he was going through a weird spot in his life and
maybe what he needed wasnt what we had. i shouldve realized that he
needed time to just deal with his issues before making it obvious that
iw as interested in him. but then again, he in return liked me too.so i
thought. but, all in all, i did have a blast with him this summer but,
the past few weeks i did not deserve to be treated the way i have by
him. he lied and pretty much just lost all trust in him. i never know
when he is telling me the truth and god knows how many times his
stories dont ever seem to match up right. but i guess that.. i just
need to move on and stop dwelling on it because i will never be
satisfied with how things are and im in no position to fix it. because
i have tried all i can at this point to pretty much understand why he
ultimatly screwed me over completely. i know that i cab at least know
that he has been lying and not be a fool to believe him. at least i
have that much. i havent called him nor has he made the effort to call
me in the past few weeks.. i told him that tonight and he looked at me
when i said i didnt believe he would even answer if i called anymore..
and his response to that was maybe you should have tried and trusted me
more. and all i could think was bullshit. i dunno. anotehr factor i
think, in a really shallow sense is that i was very physically
attracted to him. he had a decent personality but nothing special to
it. and someone sorta made me realize that what it is that i cant let
go of is maybe i wont meet someone again that i was that attracted to
physically and thats why i cant let go. maybe so. but.. when it all
comes down to it: i dont need someone who will make me cry and feel so
hurt and not be there for me to tell them because i dont trust them to
even be around.
i miss hanging out with my girls. a lot. and i feel horrible that i
didnt spend as much time i wanted with them over the past few weeks.
but i love them and miss them and ill do all i can to see them when i
go off to school. a promise.
ive worked the past 4 nights on the 3rd shift at wawa. (11pm to 7am)
and i actually really enjoyed it. and i got to spend time with kathy..
or my wawa mommy. i like her because she is so easy to talk to and
honestly just gives me the best advice. she tells me all the things
that i need to hear and not what i want to hear. and shes been so
helpful with the fact in understanding my emotions these past few
weeks. she knows that i;m a very emotional type and i shouldnt worry
about wasting so much time getting over something because its just in
my nature to act that way i do by needed to find some sort of closure
and meaning.
ive also just been having a hard time dealing with the fact these past
few weeks have been lonely as hell. with everyone gone to school and im
still home. and things just arent great right now on a whole lot of
different levels. but. like ive said. school starts soon and i move in
on tuesday and everything will change. charley told me i was lucky
tonight. and i guess he is right.
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| i honestly dont think ive ever felt more miserable in my life.
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